To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
