Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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