The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
