We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
