there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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