I'm jealous of your bromance
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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