she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
