I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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