im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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