Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
