just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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