My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
did i just pee glitter
well, you know. whores of a feather.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
