Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
