He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
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please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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