I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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