I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
