I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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