your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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