On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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