Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
