Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
