Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
