He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
