What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
