I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Boobs speak an international language.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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