I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
