i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
