I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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