I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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