Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
