I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
