"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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