what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
