The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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