Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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