mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
