If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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