No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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