just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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