I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
