just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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