You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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