I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
