it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
