I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
