Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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