True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
