matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
