I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"