The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
