Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
