What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
