i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
