I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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