Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
