My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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