Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
